we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
