she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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