how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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