Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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