A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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