You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
