Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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