if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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