OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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