If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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