maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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