don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
