When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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