did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
