tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize