Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
