if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
