Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
