I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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