Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize