I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
