I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
