I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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