Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
