Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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