It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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