Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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