My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
There r osticjed everywhere
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
