dude i'm inner monologue high
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
