Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Everclear isn't food dammit
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
