RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just blew my weed a kiss
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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