Your mouth is God's brothel.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
