im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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