I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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