Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
