We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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