Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
