Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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