I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
