So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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