my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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