i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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