last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
