Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
