I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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