You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.