My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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