TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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