I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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