I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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