Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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