i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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