So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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