just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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