Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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