genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
