3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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