I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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