my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
